The Emoji Movie sucks.

Just for the record, I take scores under 10 as seriously as I take scores over 90. You REALLY gotta mess something up to get a score under 10 from me.

Let's start with the first (and worst) mistake the creators of this movie made. They decided that it would be a good idea to base an entire full-length movie off of a type of phone texting. I don't know what they were smoking to think that this would actually work, much less end up being good. Their second mistake was hiring the most unfunny writers on planet earth. The sheer amount of cringey "jokes" that they fit into this movie is both scary and impressive. Gene, the main character of this movie, is a useless fart and a poor excuse for a main character. His character arc is, what, learning that he likes Jailbreak? I don't know?! Speaking of Jailbreak, I really liked when she said, "You know, women are always coming up with stuff that men are taking credit for." I left that scene shaking and crying. I also like how Jailbreak only got interested in Gene in the first place because of his weird quirk. Why is she such a flat character? The British hand emoji can jump off a cliff and die. I feel like I don't even need to mention the fact that this movie is littered with ad drops. Maya Rudolph, the voice of Smiler, did an especially awful job of voice acting. It sounds like they did one take for all of the lines. She isn't to blame, though; I wouldn't have put any effort into this either.

Imagine if this movie was live-action and completely unrelated to emoji or phones. You wouldn't even be able to tell the difference. This movie had no reason to be about emoji. Ignoring all of the meta jokes and the Textopolis setting, this is just another cheap love story with a weak moral. They only made this movie the way they did so it would "appeal to the teens." You know what I say? Stop trying to appeal to the teens. As a teen, I want to watch something grown-up and better than me so that I can think about it and learn. I don't want to watch something that has been dumbed down to my level. THERE IS NO POINT. If you try to tell me you found something deep or meaningful about this movie, do humanity a favor and shut up.

The only acceptable way to watch this movie is with friends. Don't get me wrong, this isn't a fun-bad movie; it is very much just terrible. The point of the friends is to make it bearable at the very best. I will be honest in saying that this isn't the worst movie ever made, but that's because I know that there's always a bigger fish. I hate this movie with a burning passion and the reason this review is so long is so that I never have to say another word about this horrid movie ever again.

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